I should be doing laundry, making beds, dusting, vacuuming, filing our taxes, grocery shopping, doing a general pick up around the house, getting ready for a dinner party I’m hosting tomorrow, reading, balancing our bank accounts, working on my message for Wednesday, cleaning out my car…blah blah blah….but I’m spent. This weekend was anything but relaxing. Actually, between motherhood and ministry, I was only home for about 2 hours on Saturday and 1 hour on Sunday.
I think as a family we are still adjusting to this new position that God has led us to. I think Daddy has transitioned seamlessly, but he’s good like that. I think the both of you have accepted and adjusted to our new dynamic. But truthfully, the one who is having the most interesting time assimilating….is me. Yours truly.
I haven’t hit my stride yet. I’m a doer, a fixer, a work til your fingers are bleeding type of gal. But, I’m quickly realizing that mentality is not healthy for a wife and mom. I am spinning too many plates, and because of that, too many plates have broken. I have to make some choices in my life in regards to what is going to get my time and attention. Something’s gotta give, or I’m going to.
It’s a very humbling experience to realize that I can not do it all. I have prided myself on being a professional juggler. For years, I have worked, raised kids, kept a spotless house, been an attentive wife, and very involved in ministry. But, that combo is not working for me anymore, or for our family.
I was talking to a very trusted friend the other day…well, blubbering is more like it. I was explaining that I knew that I need to quit something, but that I just have never quit anything before in my whole life, and I didn’t know how to do it. I don’t want the label of a “quitter”. To me, quitting is failing, and failure is my life’s biggest fear (well, except for closed spaces, bugs, mice, germs, water, rashes…etc etc,). To me, if I quit my job, that is essentially declaring that I am inadequate. Quitting is for quitters, and that I am not. Or rather, have never been.
Back to my very wise friend. She said “You’re not quitting. You’re simply choosing to be successful in other areas”. That comment literally knocked the wind out of me. I have been thinking of nothing less else since Thursday when my confidant spoke those words to me.
More than anything, I want to be “successful” in my marriage. I promised God and Daddy and our friends/family, that all of my life, I would chose to invest in my relationship with my husband above all else. I believe that any other “success” I have in life is contingent upon the stability of my marriage. Second, I want to be “successful” in parenting the both of you. To me that means that I provide a stable and loving enviornment for you to grow. In order for me to do that, I need to have time, energy, and health, both spiritual and emotional.
So, if I have to quit my job or quit being involved in so many different ministry avenues, it’s not because I’m weak or inadequate or a failure. I am simply choosing to be a successful wife and mother….to me, those are the two most important callings I have in my life.
AHhhhh. There is so much freedom in the recognition that I don’t have to be a master plate spinner. Thank you Jesus for good friends, for grace, and for wisdom.